"Tonight I'm sleeping on your side of the pillow."

A few days ago, I flipped Derek's pillow over and was stunned to find that it still smelled like him. Surprised, I laid gently on it, smiling, slowly breathing his smell in, reveling in this little discovery I'd made. It was like he had just laid on it, like he purposely left a little piece of him behind for me when I needed him the most. After a while, I turned his pillow back over and slept on (what I call) my side of the pillow; the last thing I wanted to do was waste the smell on a few greedy moments because I knew I'd need that smell for another night when I'd need him more.

Tonight isn't one of those nights where I need him, but I'm definitely missing him. I heard some of our songs on the radio today and I sang along, remembering all the times we'd go driving with the windows down and the wind in our hair. I laughed at one point because I had this crazy image of Derek, singing as loudly as he could, dancing along to the song... I'm grateful to say that there was only a slight pang of sadness before it was quickly overshadowed by the happiness I felt.

I'm feeling alright with this deployment. It's been harder than hell, trying to keep myself from going nuts, making sure I have no down time, creating a new life out of nothing, but I'm doing it. And I'm doing a damn good job of it, if I do say so myself. Tomorrow I start a new job and I've been working out every day for 2 whole weeks - it's a personal goal of mine to stay active and positive throughout the next 8 and a half months. I refuse to let this deployment get the best of us. We are so much stronger than this and we will never give up. That's just not us.

So, tonight, I'm going to sleep on Derek's side of the pillow. I wish he could be here with me to talk with me about my days, to fall asleep with me in the dark, to laugh and dance in the car. I'll get that back soon enough, for now I'll just have to be content with his pillow and my fighting spirit.