Soon.

It’s always the nights that are the loudest.

The quiet screams your name and the silence echoes with your voice.

Whispers of you are everywhere - the hallway where you kissed me that morning, the nightstand where your notebook still sits, the gatorade you left in the freezer the day you left. They’re everywhere. I hear them in the stillness of the dark before I give in to sleep… Reminding me that you’re more than a memory, reminding me that no one’s ever going to replace you, reminding me that our time to be together again will come soon.

Soon.

That word. That foul word.

Soon.

It’s like punishment. A taunt that goes unanswered. A lecture given over and over again. I’ve heard that word too many times to count recently - combined with the silence that screams your name, I feel like time might never go fast enough. Feelings swell inside of me like storm clouds; deep, dark, thundering, beautiful. I’m restless every night in the dark because I’m trying to shut out the whispers that echo around the dark parts of my mind.

Struggling to remember your lips, I touch mine and try remember our last kiss. I’m crushed when I realize that I can’t. So, I lay on your pillow, hugging it, pulling it close to my chest, to my heart, sending my love across the  miles that separate us, hoping that you may feel it and know that I miss you.

Whispers. Echoes. Soon.

I am dreaming of you every night. You’re there, in front of me, coming home to me, and somehow I can’t get to you. When I wake up, you stay in my dream, fading from my mind almost instantly. Our nightly rendez-vous in my mind’s abyss makes my heart churn and my soul ache… You need to be here. The darkness needs to make it’s home in someone else’s mind. You are the light that shines through the blackness that drives me so crazy. I need you so much closer. 

Waiting for you to come home to me reminds me of the infallible strength that resides inside the bones of my soul. It is unfailing. But it is nights like this where the quiet screams and the echoes are too loud for my own mind - my thundering love and unwavering strength is being tested. Your voice is the only thing that will soothe me. Your voice will be what defeats the darkness tonight; it will be louder than the whispers of loneliness, and it will promise me one more night of strength.

Until you’re home with me, my love, I will wait.

Until you’re home with me, I will be strong.

Until you’re home with me, I’ll try to remember how your lips feel on mine.

Until you’re home, I’ll keep repeating, “Soon.”